Yes, the Oscars suck. But much like long nights alone, sex and Transformers films, one thing can make them better: Neil Patrick Harris. However, if even Neil Patrick Harris isn’t enough to make listening to the word brave seven million times watchable, you can try alcohol. I recommend having a range available, preferably one beer or wine, one light shot and one heavy shot. Here are my own base rules, feel free to season to taste with house rules. And Vodka. Vodka always helps.
There’s a reaction shot of someone in the audience laughing or looking shocked.
The word nominee or nominees shows up.
The audience starts clapping.
One of the nominees you weren’t rooting for wins an award.
Finish Your Drink when:
Jennifer Lawrence does something awesome
Mel Gibson is shown.
The words brave, heroic, share, support, possible or hope are used.
Someone stops in the middle of their speech to allow clapping/cheering to die down.
The nominee you were rooting for actually wins.
Someone uses their acceptance speech to settle a grudge, either real or invented for comedy’s sake. This also counts times when they talk about people who tried to stop them or told them they couldn’t do it.
Do A Light Shot When:
Meryl Streep or Matt Damon is shown.
Someone thanks a person who wasn’t a member of production during their speech. Do it twice if they thank Stephen Hawking.
Neil Patrick Harris, our Lord and Savior, makes you laugh.
Someone actually says Birdman’s full, way too long for me to be bothered writing here name
Do A Heavy Shot When:
Someone makes a reference to social media.
The cameraman finds an excuse to focus on an actress’ bangin’ rack.
Someone looks like they’re about to cry.
George Clooney, Jennifer Lawrence, Reese Witherspoon, Jeremy Renner, Emma Stone or Benedict Cumberbatch is shown.
Philip Seymour Hoffman or Robin Williams is honored. Actually, do one even if they’re not. These men were cinematic treasures.
Someone actually cries.
A joke falls completely and utterly flat.
Clint Eastwood or Eddie Redmayne is shown is shown.
Someone mentions the most frightening part of American Sniper, ROBOBABY.
Someone uses the musical interludes to make a joke about Whiplash. Do it twice if someone says “Not my tempo.”
Drink Until Your Boner/ Ladyboner Goes Down Whenever:
Emily Blunt, Felicity Jones, Anna Kendrick, Bradley Cooper, Ryan Gosling or Channing Tatum is shown.
Drink All The Vodka And Lock Yourself In The Bathroom If:
J.K. Simmons doesn’t win best supporting actor.
Fucking American Sniper wins best movie.