Spider-Man Rescued In Latest Sony Security Breach

Long missing superhero and high school student Peter Parker (also known as Spider-Man) was freed from a broom closet in Sony’s basement last night following a daring raid by Marvel operatives. The blunder has cast further doubts over Sony’s security procedures, especially given several worrying details that have emerged about the operation. Apparently, the rescue team blagged their way onto the compound by claiming they were “delivering twenty pizzas” and were able to sneak into the supposedly impenetrable underground complex where Parker was held through a window which had been left open to air out the rank stench of a teenager locked in a hot broom closet wearing a latex suit. Marvel executive Kevin Feige had this to say:

“Look, I don’t know how fucking Hawkeye got onto the team, okay? You think we wanted some guy who still uses a bow and arrows? We got onto the compound and he was just there following us like a puppy. Christ, we even tried to switch him with Green Arrow when we were in there to finally get rid of him.” When asked how the swap had went Feige added “Honestly, I’m not sure. It’s not like anyone can tell the difference. I mean, he still has that stupid bow and he won’t leave Black Widow alone. Maybe it’s still him. Who cares? Spidey’s home. We’re thinking of gold-plating the  car park.”

Never ones to shy away from the hard questions, or cut an interview short when there’s free nachos and Mountain Dew, we asked Feige why, if they cared so much for the missing superhero, had it taken them so long to liberate him?

“Well, it’s not because of Sony’s security, I’ll tell you that much.” Feige left out a warm laugh. “The problem was we had no way of telling he was still alive. Sure, we’d seen video of him, but there was no way of knowing it wasn’t one of those actors they hired. Especially when we heard there was some British kid involved, it just muddied up the whole issue. Not that we blame Garfield of course. He’s a good kid, he played a good Spider-Man. Have you seen Boy A? Guy can act. They just lured him in with promises of truckloads of money. And artistic integrity. And Emma Stone.”

Despite Garfield’s emotionally vulnerable, yet  technically impressive acting chops, his presence in the mix did cast doubts as to whether Peter Parker was still alive. It was only in January of this year that hard evidence was uncovered when Fiege chanced by a North Korean market trader selling “Pictures! Pictures of Spider-Man!” Even though the pictures were blurry, and shot in front of a shoddily lit green screen, there was no doubt it was Parker: gaunt and beaten, but very much alive.

“The Sony ordeal’s taken its toll on him. They’d wheel him out and make him fight dozens of villains at once, in front of a green screen. Venom, Sandman, Rhino. Frankly, I think they made half of them up.”

Later Parker was wheeled in for an exclusive post-rescue interview.

“I…I’m just happy to be free” he rasped, refusing to make eye contact. “They made me share that closet with Rhino for a year. I’ve…seen things. But that’s all behind me now. I’m looking forward to seeing Aunt May and Uncle Ben again.” When we tried to gently interrupt with “Peter, about Uncle Ben” Feige glared at us and told us to get the fuck out of his office.

Join us tomorrow for the other side of the story, as we release another exclusive interview* with Sony’s perspective on the whole affair. Apparently “Marvel told us we’ll still get Spidey on weekends and holidays.” Unfortunately the interview is a bit shorter as the executive became distracted scrabbling through their desk for their bank account details and password after receiving an e-mail from “a North-Korean general, with seven million dollars I must transfer to a trusted confidant in the United States.”

*There is no interview tomorrow. Sorry all. Here, have some music to soften the blow. This one’s from a mellow slice of goodness from prog rock superstar Steven Wilson’s upcoming album Hand. Cannot. Erase. You can preorder the album on itunes here.


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